My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize