my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
