the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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