...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
