Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
