i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
