You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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