It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
