I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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