i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
