You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
