the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just high enough for therapy.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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