I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
