yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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