My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
