When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
