Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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