have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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