You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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