you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize