rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
