you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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