yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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