She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
