If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
