Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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