you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize