and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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