You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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