If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
