You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
