Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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