you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
