ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
