There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize