You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
