i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
