I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
