remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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