You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
