allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
