1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
