Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
