remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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