I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
