i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize