Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm getting married
To pizza
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
