Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
