My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
