i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
