I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
