So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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