May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
