I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
