all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
