im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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