do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
