need another drink. this is the easiest way
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
