I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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