im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
