It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
This is not my ceiling
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
