Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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