I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
