how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
