What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
