We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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